I have done something that "day 1 me" would hate. I went a week without working out. The good thing is...I feel fantastic! I'm happier than I've been in a long time, and nothing changed about my bod. I think I'm finally learning to live in my own skin and be happy with it. I love that. I think I love me.
Yesterday I made a realization. I want to work with the elderly. The restaurant I work at is known as "The Best Catering in Nacogdoches" and yesterday I got to go on my first catering job since I've worked there. The event was for Huntington Bank's travelers club. It's a club of older people that travel around to places together for cheap because of group rates. They have a party every month and also play bingo a lot. They were all so cute. I got to serve them cobbler and ask if they wanted whipped cream on it. It made me laugh how many didn't want whipped cream because they said the cobbler was already too fattening without it. I want to start by volunteering at a local nursing home or senior center. I think this realization is connected to my new happiness.
Last night I hung out with some of my best girl friends and I told them that I haven't been this happy in a long time, and it was true.
I am happy.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Day 4
The hardest thing in the world is waking up when the rest of your house is asleep. Not only do I have to get out of bed, which I usually hate any time of the day, but I have to be quiet and try not to turn any lights on. What makes it even worse is when it's 5:45 AM and you know that no one in the world should be awake at that time. Fortunately for me though, I've been successfully doing it for the past four days. This morning was the worst. Could be because I didn't go to bed till nearly one, or it could be because my body is slowly wearing out on me.
I felt like a horrible person. I was awake this morning. I was at the gym. But I couldn't last more than 15 minutes. I've just been tired all day...
I need to get out of this funk! It's only been four days. I can't be lagging already. I need to get pumped up! Get excited about this operation again!
I think I can...I think I can...
One thing I love about this whole "operation" is all the support I'm getting from family and friends. They are amazing. I appreciate people loving me and wanting the best for me.
I can't write any more. I'm tired.
I felt like a horrible person. I was awake this morning. I was at the gym. But I couldn't last more than 15 minutes. I've just been tired all day...
I need to get out of this funk! It's only been four days. I can't be lagging already. I need to get pumped up! Get excited about this operation again!
I think I can...I think I can...
One thing I love about this whole "operation" is all the support I'm getting from family and friends. They are amazing. I appreciate people loving me and wanting the best for me.
I can't write any more. I'm tired.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Day 2
Have you ever stood at the bottom of a set of stairs and wished you could just fly up them? Because you just don’t think you could possibly endure the pain that will shoot up your legs if you lift them up high enough to make it up just one...much less all 14 of them. That was me after my workout on day two. Oh I made it up...it just took me much longer than usual. I remember when I first moved into my first apartment with stairs. I'd grown up in a one level house, so I never had the pleasure of working out every time I walked up to my room. After the first week in my new apartment my legs and butt were sore for about a month. I'm guessing that it will take me about as long as that to get used to walking up any stairs after working out. I pray that it won't take as long.
As I worked for 5 hours at my average, boring job of waiting tables I thought back on my life and tried to remember the times that I was truly happy. I can up with a few major things: winning Best Actress at district One Act Play my senior year of high school, my first kiss in Clint Johnson's gameroom when I was 13, the first half of every relationship I've ever been in. I decided that my happiest time so far in my life was the summer I turned 13. My friends Shanna, Melissa, and I spent most of that summer together. Mostly at my house. We did a lot of crazy, preteen things, but the one thing I remember the most is sitting at the dining room table listening to Alan Jackson's song "Tall, Tall Trees" and every time we sang, "I'm a fool, fool, fool for you" we'd point to the middle of the table. I don't know if we were pointing at each other or the bowl of bananas that were sitting in between us, but I do know that I felt pure joy in that moment. The pure joy only three preteens can feel when they still have the comfort of acting like little kids in front of their closest friends.
I'm not saying that my life has been horrible. I have had an amazing life. I have family that loves me more than anything and I have a handful of friends that would be here for me anytime I need them. I graduated at the top of my graduating class from high school. I'm in college. I have good health. My problem is that I can always find something bad in any situation. I don't always see it right away, but I will find it. I always think things are too good to be true.
But that is all changing now. That is why I'm doing this operation. To stop seeing the world the way I have been. To love the world around me. To love me.
As I worked for 5 hours at my average, boring job of waiting tables I thought back on my life and tried to remember the times that I was truly happy. I can up with a few major things: winning Best Actress at district One Act Play my senior year of high school, my first kiss in Clint Johnson's gameroom when I was 13, the first half of every relationship I've ever been in. I decided that my happiest time so far in my life was the summer I turned 13. My friends Shanna, Melissa, and I spent most of that summer together. Mostly at my house. We did a lot of crazy, preteen things, but the one thing I remember the most is sitting at the dining room table listening to Alan Jackson's song "Tall, Tall Trees" and every time we sang, "I'm a fool, fool, fool for you" we'd point to the middle of the table. I don't know if we were pointing at each other or the bowl of bananas that were sitting in between us, but I do know that I felt pure joy in that moment. The pure joy only three preteens can feel when they still have the comfort of acting like little kids in front of their closest friends.
I'm not saying that my life has been horrible. I have had an amazing life. I have family that loves me more than anything and I have a handful of friends that would be here for me anytime I need them. I graduated at the top of my graduating class from high school. I'm in college. I have good health. My problem is that I can always find something bad in any situation. I don't always see it right away, but I will find it. I always think things are too good to be true.
But that is all changing now. That is why I'm doing this operation. To stop seeing the world the way I have been. To love the world around me. To love me.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Day 1
Things have been falling into place for me recently. Not in a good way, but in a way that will turn into good. Last week I bought a book called "Eat Pray Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert. It's a non-fiction piece about "one woman's search for everything across Italy, India, and Indonesia". I have realized that I don't want to turn into the woman in the book, and if I continue down the path I'm on, I see myself heading straight there. Since I can't be a world traveler like Liz, I decided that I need to work on my life here in Nacogdoches. I decided that I needed to start loving me.
Enter "Operation Love Me".
Today is the start of Summer I classes and every morning I have a biology lab at 8AM. Before my lab I am starting a workout routine which entails that I wake up at 6AM and go to the rec center gym with my friends Eric, Allison, and Caroline. I am very lucky to have such good friends that also want to get in shape and are willing to wake up that early in the morning. I am then going to take a quick shower and then get ready for my lab. Between lab and my actual class at 12:30 I am going to have time devoted to homework/studying and chores around the house. Since the whole point of "Operation Love Me" is to be happy with myself, I have to worry about my school work because I can't be a happy person if I am not doing well in school and well on my way to graduation.
This week after my class I have work everyday, so I will be there until 8 or 9. My plan when I get off work is to have my rest/entertainment time. In the time I get off work till my 10:30 bedtime (yes, 10:30) I will have time for watching a movie, catching up on tv shows, or just hanging out with friends.
The other major part of "Operation Love Me" is prayer. Like my "friend" Elizabeth Gilbert, I haven't had the best relationship with God in my life. I believe that in order to love myself and to be happy, I need to love God and trust him with my life. Last night as I lay, sleepless, in bed I realized that I needed to start my new journey off the right way, with a prayer. I got down on my knees and prayed out loud in my empty room. (I say it was empty lightly because there was no human being in there with me, but my kitten, Lexie, was very concerned as to why I awoke her from her content slumber.) Prayer has never been a strength of mine. I never know what to say and even if God is actually hearing what I say, so I just don't do it. Last night I prayed for a few minutes. Just telling in my plans and goals and asking for him to give me strength to make myself a better person. After my "amen" I crawled back into bed and tried for a good night's rest.
I was rudely awoken at 4:26 AM by my body. I'm not sure what made my young, 20 year old college body want to get out of bed that early. I'm assuming it was a mixture of anxiety, excitement, and my bladder. Either way, I got out of bed thinking that I might start my day super early and quickly decided that I needed to tell my body who was boss and hopped back into bed. It took Lexie a while to realize that it wasn't actually "get up" time so I stayed pretty awake till she settled back into a ball at the small of my back.
When my alarm went off at 6:00 I jumped out of bed ready to start "Operation Love Me". I was to meet Eric and Caroline on my front porch at 6:15, so I didn't have much time. I was surprised when I found myself standing alone at 6:12, early for one of the first times in my life. The four of us decided that if someone didn't show up to our early morning work-out that we would call and hassle them until they either woke up for felt very sorry about it. At about 6:25 I realized that I was still standing alone and needed to find my fellow companions (Allison was already waiting for us at the gym). Eric claimed that Caroline was running late and that they'd be "right there". I was about to leave them when they slowly walked around the corner and we jumped in my truck and sped away.
When I returned home I found that it was difficult to run up the stairs that led to my room. This is only going to get worse every morning, until I get up my strength I suppose. I got ready for class and walked to the Science building only to find that my lab doesn't start till the second day of classes and that I need to have my lab manual by that time.
I called my mother and had a very nice early morning conversation with her. She told me that she was proud of me and we shared in our new-found love of "True Blood" and the Sookie Stackhouse books. I've seen the entire show and she's just starting to read the books, which I will be promptly borrowing from her. We kept each other on the phone for a while until I made my way to the local bookstore to buy my biology books. Turns out I had to spend all of the money that I have been saving up for rent to buy just the book, not the manual. It seems that one of the goals for "Operation Love Me" is going to have to be that I need to accept the fact that I am not a millionaire and cannot spend money as such.
Enter "Operation Love Me".
Today is the start of Summer I classes and every morning I have a biology lab at 8AM. Before my lab I am starting a workout routine which entails that I wake up at 6AM and go to the rec center gym with my friends Eric, Allison, and Caroline. I am very lucky to have such good friends that also want to get in shape and are willing to wake up that early in the morning. I am then going to take a quick shower and then get ready for my lab. Between lab and my actual class at 12:30 I am going to have time devoted to homework/studying and chores around the house. Since the whole point of "Operation Love Me" is to be happy with myself, I have to worry about my school work because I can't be a happy person if I am not doing well in school and well on my way to graduation.
This week after my class I have work everyday, so I will be there until 8 or 9. My plan when I get off work is to have my rest/entertainment time. In the time I get off work till my 10:30 bedtime (yes, 10:30) I will have time for watching a movie, catching up on tv shows, or just hanging out with friends.
The other major part of "Operation Love Me" is prayer. Like my "friend" Elizabeth Gilbert, I haven't had the best relationship with God in my life. I believe that in order to love myself and to be happy, I need to love God and trust him with my life. Last night as I lay, sleepless, in bed I realized that I needed to start my new journey off the right way, with a prayer. I got down on my knees and prayed out loud in my empty room. (I say it was empty lightly because there was no human being in there with me, but my kitten, Lexie, was very concerned as to why I awoke her from her content slumber.) Prayer has never been a strength of mine. I never know what to say and even if God is actually hearing what I say, so I just don't do it. Last night I prayed for a few minutes. Just telling in my plans and goals and asking for him to give me strength to make myself a better person. After my "amen" I crawled back into bed and tried for a good night's rest.
I was rudely awoken at 4:26 AM by my body. I'm not sure what made my young, 20 year old college body want to get out of bed that early. I'm assuming it was a mixture of anxiety, excitement, and my bladder. Either way, I got out of bed thinking that I might start my day super early and quickly decided that I needed to tell my body who was boss and hopped back into bed. It took Lexie a while to realize that it wasn't actually "get up" time so I stayed pretty awake till she settled back into a ball at the small of my back.
When my alarm went off at 6:00 I jumped out of bed ready to start "Operation Love Me". I was to meet Eric and Caroline on my front porch at 6:15, so I didn't have much time. I was surprised when I found myself standing alone at 6:12, early for one of the first times in my life. The four of us decided that if someone didn't show up to our early morning work-out that we would call and hassle them until they either woke up for felt very sorry about it. At about 6:25 I realized that I was still standing alone and needed to find my fellow companions (Allison was already waiting for us at the gym). Eric claimed that Caroline was running late and that they'd be "right there". I was about to leave them when they slowly walked around the corner and we jumped in my truck and sped away.
When I returned home I found that it was difficult to run up the stairs that led to my room. This is only going to get worse every morning, until I get up my strength I suppose. I got ready for class and walked to the Science building only to find that my lab doesn't start till the second day of classes and that I need to have my lab manual by that time.
I called my mother and had a very nice early morning conversation with her. She told me that she was proud of me and we shared in our new-found love of "True Blood" and the Sookie Stackhouse books. I've seen the entire show and she's just starting to read the books, which I will be promptly borrowing from her. We kept each other on the phone for a while until I made my way to the local bookstore to buy my biology books. Turns out I had to spend all of the money that I have been saving up for rent to buy just the book, not the manual. It seems that one of the goals for "Operation Love Me" is going to have to be that I need to accept the fact that I am not a millionaire and cannot spend money as such.
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